How do you define success?

Success. Merriam-Webster defines it as “favorable or desired outcome; the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence.” Urban dictionary’s top definition is “not sucking.” Of these two, I actually prefer the later on most days 🙂 I wonder though — does society really define success as a desired outcome — or only specific desired outcomes?

For example, if your desired outcome for your Saturday is to binge watch your favorite show on Netflix and not change out of your PJs, and you do that, would you feel successful? I am going to go out on a limb here and say that while many of us might enjoy that, we would feel varying degrees of overwhelm at the to-do list that didn’t get to-do’ed. Ladies, I’m talking to you, I see you, I hear you, I know we all have an endless to-do list that it is hard to walk away from. Would you feel massive amounts of guilt for enjoying the day? Would you, perhaps, feel bad if you weren’t worried about the to-do list not getting it’s checks? Society is going to judge you no matter where you are on this spectrum. Damn… that’s rude. Let a girl enjoy her Netflix, let a girl enjoy taking a day off from the to-do list.

This scenario doesn’t just have to apply to the “day off” situation either. What about learning a new hobby (hello cake decorating, my new friend), a new language (¿tu hablo español?), reading more (current read: Burnout, can you tell from this post?), working out daily (yes, walking and yoga count), drinking your water (hydrate!), catching up on laundry (I have not nice words for laundry), or going to a coffee shop all alone to doodle and draw in a blank sketch book as you sip a delicious chai latte. All of those things — if you do more of them, does that count as success? What if they bring you so much joy? What if they recharge your batteries? Do you get where I’m going here?

So often, society defines success in, from my perspective, two ways: how much money you have and what your job is. Sometimes it extends to your family as well: are you married and do you have kids. So I guess four ways 🙂

Now, no one has ever asked me how much money I have (and most of us would find that rude… yet we have magazines and websites solely devoted to following who the wealthiest people in the world are…), but often the first time you meet someone, you ask “What do you do for work?” (or just “What do you do?”) Right now, I am especially sensitive to this because I don’t work. I took a break by choice initially when we moved, then had a great opportunity for a temporary cooking job in Maine, then I struggled to find work – and I still do. I have placed a lot of judgement on myself feeling like without a job I have no purpose and therefore no success. I don’t know how to define my role… How can I be successful if I don’t even know what my title is? What about if me, pharmacist, becomes a barista — am I successful then? Under-employment is a real thing (especially among military spouses) — sometimes it is by choice, others by necessity of needing to pay the bills, but either way, why is one job better than the other?

No one ever asks me “Do you have pets?” – it’s always “Do you have kids?” To which I often smile and reply “Yes, 4! 3 have fur and one has scales. Let me show you pictures, I have a lot!” It used to bother me a lot more, when we were first married, then I would say “Not yet, maybe when he’s on shore duty” (Side note: My husband is a submariner. The schedule he was on for 5 years (sea duty) was away for 3 months, home for 4 months. Shore duty means home all the time, which is what he is on now.) I get it, it’s a conversation starter, it’s an ice breaker, it’s a way people connect — all things that I believe are wonderful, but how often do we feel a sense of judgement, an implied follow up question, or a need to justify our answer?

I think it’s time for a revolt. I think that many women are exposing this (some men too, I see you!) – the idea that we have some archaic societal norms that define success and confine people to boxes they may not fit into. I hear this from mom friends who want to work (and even mom friends who want to stay home). We need to break down this stigma – we need to celebrate whoever we are, whatever choices we make (I do not advise robbing banks or doing drugs, those are still pretty universally bad choices), and the wins that we have! We need to stop being so dang judgmental – of others, but mostly ourselves!

What lights your heart on fire? What brings joy to your life? What are you really good at? What helps you pay the bills? Let’s break it down to some of the basics here — no we can’t just all lie on the beach and drink smoothies… somehow we have to earn money to spoil our dogs (and kids) and pay the electricity, but can we do that AND have time to find success with our hobbies, our relationships, and our self care? I’m seeing a trend of emphasizing balance in life – not just the age old “work life balance”, but a true sense of peace with how you spend ALL the hours of your day. Encouraging people to take the yoga class, to go to the movie, to send the card, to pet the cat. I like this — and you can call it what you want, but I call it success.

I define my success as ending each day with a smile – doing more of what I love, eliminating more of what I don’t enjoy, tacking my responsibilities with as much peace as I can, giving myself grace when things don’t go as planned, and inspiring others to find their success. It feels a little abstract and all my teaching pedagogy tells me I need some SMART goals to go with it, but for now, that’s too much pressure. I’m taking it one day at a time, one no or one yes, and listening to what makes my heart full and happy.

This has been so heavy on my heart lately. I can feel the stress of it breaking down my body, despite best efforts to shut it down. I’m doing the exercise, getting the sleep, journaling, reading, talking, working hard on goals that light my heart on fire… but it still feels like I’m not doing enough. Please, if you take away one thing from this, take way this: You are enough. You are doing enough. You are not defined by how much you are doing or not doing.  You are defined by the human being that you are – what are you BEING today. Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m going to set that definition, I’d rather be happy and filled with joy, compassion, and love than almost anything else. No job title, bank account balance, or family status is included in that definition.

I’d love to hear your thoughts…

xoxo, Gretchen