Military spouses are a unique breed. We are used to constantly changing schedules and altered (often canceled) plans. We are used to major aspects of our lives being out of our control. We are tough — we hold down the fort at home, many with kids and pets, while our spouse is away, often out of readily available communication. We may be living far from our closest family and friends (sometimes even our spouse). We are resourceful with managing multiple moves with minimal supplies. The current state of the world has me seeing the importance of a lot of the skills I’ve learned as a military spouse. I’d like to share my top 10 tips with you.
- Be okay with however you feel – practice self compassion. When times are uncertain and tough, emotions run high. It is okay to be upset, pissed, and angry that you had to cancel your Hawaii vacation or you kid’s birthday party. Allow that feeling to have it’s time. Scream into a pillow, cry as you hug your dog, listen to angry grunge music…. Then pick yourself up. By feeling the feeling you give it a place, which allows you to move through it. When Chris would leave on a deployment, I would give myself a few days to be mopey – order Chinese food, watch trash TV, maybe skip a workout… Then I would get it together. I found that with each deployment, I needed less time to be down. It’s also okay to be happy and joyful — we can have GREAT days despite the fact that the world around us may seem crazy and scary. Honor how you feel and I think you will overall feel a whole lot better.
- Have an attitude of gratitude. I know this sounds sooooo cliche, but really – it helps! Make it a point to find one beautiful each day, each hour, with each activity… When you find yourself feeling in the dumps, a quick way I snap out of it is by looking around for something that makes me smile. It may be a beautiful flower, it may be my silly dog, it may be my favorite painting on the wall or the card I received from a friend. The more you stop and take a moment to ‘smell the roses’ the more roses you see. And the lighter you will feel as you release some of the weight of the world.
- Practice self care. This will look different for everyone, but my top tips are to take time to BREATH, MOVE, and REST. In times of higher stress, my body needs more rest. I don’t know if it’s because my sleep gets out of whack or if it’s the trauma that stress causes and my body needs more time to heal. I find moments during my day to stop and take 5 deep breaths (or do box breathing, my favorite — breath in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, repeat). I find ways to move my body each day – right now I would strongly advise getting outside if at all able! Fresh air is healing to our souls! Walk, run, skip, dance, stretch, lift, do yoga, bike … there are so many ways to move your body, but doing it everyday (I recommend 2-3 times a day in increments of 10-15 minutes). I hope you have an arsenal of self care options available to you: at home face mask, at home mani/pedi, going for a run, listening to your favorite song, meditating, hiding in the bathroom for 5 minutes, looking at the stars…. Make this a priority and you will feel stronger to handle the uncertainty.
- Have a routine-ish. Everyone is different, but I do advise having some level of routine — it may be more of a flow for your day or may be blocked out by times. The things that really helped me during deployments were my weekly routines. I would go to the farmer’s market every Saturday. It was something I could look forward to, I made friends there, and it got me out of bed many Saturdays that I otherwise may not have. During this time of social distancing, it may be recreating your date night at home, having pizza and movie Friday, still practicing your ‘normal’ morning routine (but maybe a bit more relaxed)… Find things that will help ground you (and remind you what day of the week it is!)
- Phone a friend. Or text, email, send a card/letter. Get in touch with someone. Right now, I would recommend using phone or Facetime/skype/similar — since you may not be able to see some of the people you want to, get the next best thing. I have lived far from family and friends for years now, but I find that when I really need some connection, I make the effort to reach out. People are thrilled to hear from you and you feel closer. Right now, everyone is in an altered state of reality – you are not alone at all. I would recommend that if you need to let off some steam about Coronavirus/Covid-19/social distancing, ask if your friend has the emotional capacity for that talk. This comes in waves, so they may need a break from it just then. On the flip side, you may want to chat about something completely unrelated, which is also 100% okay (see Tip 1!)
- Limit your intake of news and social media. When Chris was deployed, I would limit my intake of any ‘military news.’ I didn’t want to know if there was tension in the middle east or off the coast of Florida. My brain would go down the worry rabbit hole faster than I could close out of an article. I couldn’t change anything about that situation — and you can’t change anything about the state of the world right now. You can do your part by practicing great hygiene, social distancing, and that’s about it. You can check in with a trusted, reliable resource once or twice a day… but there isn’t a reason to do it more frequently. Social media can have a lot of misinformation through sharing of articles – this can also cause unnecessary worry. Clean up your feed and limit your time on social media unless it is bring you connection and joy that you crave.
- Plan a trip. Yes, really… plan a trip, vacation, adventure. This will not last forever, I promise. I don’t know when it will end, but life will resume normalcy at some point. You don’t have to make reservations or buy plane tickets, but you can pick a place, a hotel, a restaurant, activities. Give yourself something to dream about and maybe pick a time (preferably in the distant future, with some flexibility). Having something to look forward to will give you hope. This can be especially helpful if you had to cancel a trip or celebration. As a military spouse I have celebrated Christmas in January, Thanksgiving in September, and Valentine’s day in April. You will too realize it’s not about the calendar day, but about the people and the events. Remember half birthdays? They can still be a thing! You can also plan a vacation at home: make a beach themed meal (grilled hot dogs and burgers), lay out some towels, put on your swim suit and sunnies, have a fun drink (with one of those cute umbrellas), put on some beach vibe music – boom, you are on a tropical beach!
- Plan down time. Not every second of your day has to be structured and planned. It doesn’t always have to fulfill a check in the box or a societal need. Do you always wish you had more time to color? Then plan time to color. Give yourself Sunday afternoon to COLOR. Why? Because you deserve a break. Life is too short to always be checking off boxes. Whatever that thing is that you always wish you had time for, make the time now. Maybe you love watching movies, but get down on yourself because it’s a waste of time or not productive — watch the dang movie.
- Do something productive. The flip side is, you will feel great to finally tackle organizing the pantry…or the garage (feel free to remind your husband he can help!) Have you always wanted to learn how to do origami? Make macaroons? Learn Spanish? Do you need to catch up on something from work? Do something that checks a box on your to do list or project list. It’s likely that you will never have this much mandated at home time without a whole lot of ‘stuff to do’ from external sources, so pick a project and tackle it. Have kids at home? Try to involve them! or maybe set them up with some reading or a movie while you organize the tupperware (seriously, how do none of the lids fit and there’s always more tops than bottoms!?)
- This too shall pass. This will not last forever. Reminding yourself of this can help. We don’t know when it will end (which was often the cases with deployments — and even the dates we thought we knew often changed…) At some point, these will be events we write stories about, we laugh about how people went crazy over toilet paper, we create systems to better support families during unexpected unemployment, and our medical system is equipped with the resources (and masks) to manage a large influx of patients. At some point, this will be a thing of the past. And we will come out the other side — with some lessons learned, some tears shed, and a new appreciation for a fully stocked grocery store.
My hope is that some of my experiences and lessons can help you. How else can I help? What struggles are you facing? What was most helpful from this list? Or most surprising? We are so much stronger when we help each other. Military spouses lean on each other often — and support each other often. It doesn’t matter if you just met or you have known each other for years, we feel a connection, we know, we get it. Let’s show up for those around us like that.
xoxo, Gretchen